Monday, July 16, 2012

Misinformation

Wuthering Heights

In the name of all that is good and holy and considered a classic: I about spit my morning cup of coffee all over my computer screen when I saw this. Poor little Emily Bronte probably never even saw a bare shoulder in her whole life. Homegirl was shel.tered. And if you have read this book, possibly a bit unhinged.

Now, don't  get me wrong-- Heathcliff IS a sexy brooding type (if you enjoy fantasizing about tyrannical men with the emotional range of a toddler who may or may not be related to you) and Catherine IS supposed to be a beautiful temptress type... and the two DO fall in love and I guess in some way it's very steamy for about half a page before everything goes to pot and Catherine wills herself to die. So. There's that.

But don't you dare write out 'Wuthering Heights' in the same font you use for romance novels and books about 30 something singles living in Manhattan and make this book look like it belongs next to Fifty Shades of Grey. I haven't been this upset since they made The Scarlet Letter into a movie with the tag line 'Incredibly Sensual'. They might as well have cast Britney Spears as Hester Prynne and the boa constrictor from her pre-kid days as Pearl. I understand trying to get the classics to appeal to younger generations, but come on. I know it's a Justin Beiber world and we just live in it, but let's at the very least give thirteen year olds some kind of credit. In middle school I had a poster of Justin Timberlake on my wall and Jane Eyre on my bedside table.

You're on my list, book illustrators.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Awkward and Awesomes!

So, you know.


It's kind of been one of those weeks. The ones where by Thursday you just want to lay down on the floor next to a used kleenex and have someone throw their dirty t-shirt on you.

Awkward

-Having to explain to people that the reason I am not on Spring Break is because I am in fact, not a student. Yes, I work at a university. Yes, full time. Yes, I graduated. Yes, I am older than 21. Again, not a student.

-I very rarely get up the courage to play my Glee Pandora station at work, as there seem to be pockets of quiet that extend all the way down the hallway into everyone else's office, and though I want Darren Criss's cover of 'Teenage Dream' to be a part of my work day, I'm not so sure they do. However, this past week my office has been a wasteland, so when I found myself alone at the front yesterday, I decided to go for it. I made it through one particularly long rendition of 'Defying Gravity' (Rachel & Kurt's version) before a professor walked in and started asking me a bunch of questions. He did his best to ignore the underscore of a 'A Whole New World', but did let me know that his toddler 'loves that movie' when he left. I am the most grown up of all the grown ups.

-The past two episodes of Once Upon a Time. Ok, all of Once Upon a Time. I love this show. I really do- and not just because I am its target audience so I have been culturally conditioned to love this show from a young age. But, the dialogue. THE DIALOGUE.

Teetering on the brink between Awkward and Awesome:
 -Craigslist, now and forever. I found a listing yesterday for a woman selling a "SASSY red table", which turned out to be a very broken picnic table she had spray painted red and wants you to put in your child's bedroom. Sassy!? Seriously? Broken shards of wood should never be used synonymously with sassy. Unless of course you are discussing Lolita, in which case-- sure.

Another favorite listing this week was for a "Beautiful Vintage 80's Chair", which was in fact an oversized pink floral patterned arm chair with lots of stains and tears, and a big cat plopped down in the middle of the seat. Ok, listen: I'm not sure anything from the 80's counts as vintage. Or beautiful for that matter. And of all the adjectives you could use to describe an oversized pink floral patterened arm chair, did 'comfy' or 'large' not enter your mind? Even 'sassy' would have worked better here.

Awesome

-Mexican Martini's from Trudy's. I am usually a wine and beer type girl, but goodness gracious those things are incredible. Word to the wise: Do not go to Mexico and order a Mexican Martini. They will just bring you a regular martini. Mexican Martini's are a Tex Mex Austin creation. Or at least, that what we claim... so it's probably true.

-The Walking Dead. I have not had mind blowing television in my life since Lost, and sometimes I think Lost just blew your mind by stockpiling secret mystery intrique plot lines and then revealing them so very very slowly that your mind had no choice to be blown. But slow moving farmer Zombies? Apocalyptic discourses on the nature of man? Unhinged regular joe's trying to kill other regular joe's in cold blood? I can't get enough of it.
 
-Speaking of Zombies (and I usually am), I need this t-shirt in my wardrobe. I am not generally an ironic T-shirt wearer, but I could change (change in this context meaning 'change my mind' and not 'change into a Zombie').

-I enjoyed a 13 minute commute to work this morning instead of a 35 minute one thanks to the grand departure of 50,000 students from the UT Campus. Thank you, Spring Break.

-The absolutely heavenly bouquet of lillies that has been sitting on my desk for over two weeks now. I can smell them the minute I walk in the building.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Nooks and crannies



When I was little, one of my favorite things to do was grab a couple pillows off my bed, climb up onto the shelf above the clothes in my closet, and read. This daring feat would last for about ten minutes, at which point I would get a crick in my neck from trying to fit upright within the18" opening between my perch and the shelf above me...but for those ten minutes, everything was perfect. And private. And uncomfortable, but grandly uncomfortable.

I don't know when secret passages and book cases with ladders and reading in the hay loft went out of fashion (though I am guessing it was around the time Belle's great grandkids had an estate sale and everything good and precious in this world was scattered to the winds like that contemplative daffodil she picks at the beginning of the movie), but my future home is definitely going to have at least one legitimate book nook..and not just a chair in a corner next to a bookshelf like I have now.
Reading The Chronicles of Narnia may have given me unreasonable expectations about my closet (to this day that shelf sags a bit in the middle), but perhaps I was barking up the wrong tree. A window alcove perhaps? Safer, closer to the ground?

 Pinned Image
via
Perfection.

Pinned Image
via
I can just imagine how this conversation went...
"Honey, I can't think of a thing to do with this dang spare cupboard!"
"Well sweets, we are always saying how much we need a spare bedroom for when your sisters come to stay..."

No but seriously, it's like a rich man's Harry Potter and I love it.

Pinned Image 
via
The pillows, the wallpaper, the slanty ceiling!? I want to be there right now.

Pinned Image
via
Hmmm, turquoise ladder + tall bookshelf = What I would look like if I were a room.

And then just for fun:  

I want to have breakfast in the attic...
via
 I want to have breakfast in the attic!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Virginia is for lovers... and foam.








                                                                                                                                                           












Ya'll.

Welcome to Foamhenge. Population: you + the guy who built it (don't worry, he's hiding in the bushes.)


Oh, M. Cline. Nothing you do could surprize me....


I spoke too soon. I give you... Foam Merlin. Foam Merlin's face was taken from a mold of a local fellow (a friend of M. Cline I imagine) who is now deceased. How do I know this? There was a plaque, of course. A memorial plaque. Foam Merlin serves as a structure that will forever immortalize the aforementioned local fellow. And when I say 'forever' and 'immortalize', I mean 'for as long as foam lasts' and 'seriously?'


We will never forget you, Foamhenge! 


And just for reference, here is me at real Stonehenge. You can tell it's the real deal because of the gray sky (proof you are in England) and the rope fence (M. Cline was not there to protect it so they had to take other precautionary measures). 


Just one more word on foam while we're on the subject: My first few weeks of college, I was invited to a number of 'Foam Parties' via flyer/frat boy/word of mouth. They were a very big thing, these foam parties-- and in my head, the way a foam party went down was that a bunch of people went into a room with big pieces of foam (like the foamhenge pieces) and I don't know, hit each other with them? Or jumped on them? Whatever they did with those foam pieces, it sounded AMAZING, and I would have gone to one had I been able to convince anyone I knew to accompany me to a party that I had found out about via flyer taped to the back of a bathroom stall.

It wasn't until my sophomore year that one of my friends gently explained to me that the foam was like hand soap foam, not like real pieces of foam. And somehow, that just sounded icky. So in it's own way, my trip to Foamhenge was like my very own semi-private Foam Party. And that-- that is the stuff dreams are made of.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Thank Goodness It's Friday...

A subtotal poem for today:

Minutes spent in the car (so far): 40 (30 minutes to work, five to Thai Kitchen for lunch, five home)

Minutes spent in the car singing along to the same four songs on the Wicked soundtrack: 38 (I needed two minutes to warm my vocal cords)

Copies made: 210

Staples dispensed into said copies: 100 (some were single sheets)

Times said ‘hi there, how are ya?’: 5604  5605

Drinks drank containing caffeine: 5 (2 cups of coffee, 2 cups of tea, 1 diet coke)  

Drinks drank not containing caffeine: 0

Emails sent: 17

Texts sent: 6

Minutes spent thinking about that Kristen Bell clip from the Ellen Show where she cries when Dax Shepherd surprises her with a sloth for her birthday: 30 (at least)

Minutes of genuine productivity: 240 (my *morning* was at least very productive)

Times my Arcade Fire Pandora station has played Winter Winds by Mumford and Sons: 5 (really, Pandora?)

New things learned: 2 (1- Cornucopia delivers (does life get any better than specialty popcorn at your front door?); 2—something weird I heard on the audio book I’m listening to that was not appropriate for me to know, and definitely not appropriate for me to share, but it was new and vaguely educational all the same)).

Invoices checked over for food deliveries next week: 7 (v. v. excited for next week)

Today I also had perhaps the most delightful exchange with a professor I have ever had, which is really saying something considering that I once had a professor tell me in broken English in front of a room full of people that he would marry me if he were thirty years younger (and not already married).

Maybe I don’t have my PhD, but I can make a copy. Or ten copies. Or 175 double sided stapled copies from a packet of mixed single sided and double sided sheets. I can also load paper into the copier, clear a jam, insert a new toner cartridge, AND turn the power switch off… not to mention on. Now, this isn’t to say that I haven’t had my fair share of copier troubles in the past—I’ve wasted entire afternoons at the mercy of those wretched things, sorting out misplaced staples and errant print jobs and tricky full body paper jams.  But for some reason, the copy machine is the medium by which all academics can be broken. Sometimes the gap between administrator and innovator feels insurmountable… and then, I catch some TA trying to make a copy by sticking the paper in the output tray and pressing the start button over and over again. And seriously, THANK GOODNESS FOR THESE MOMENTS. I have very few opportunities to feel like a smarty pants working for a group of high powered intellectuals who get paid to act like high powered intellectuals.

Today, a very sweet tenured professor asked me to show him how to make a single copy. My brief lesson was peppered with “Now slow down! You are going too fast!” and “Brilliant! Brilliant!” and “Look at you go, aren‘t young people magnificent? Just look at you go!”

Who, me? Magnificent? Brilliant? Why, thank you!  

And just because it is too funny not to share:


Kristen Bell and I need to be friends.

Ok, Friday down: Bring on the weekend!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

2011 Part Three: Another year older.

 In July, I celebrated my 24th birthday by taking a trip to the Wimberly Markets (it was hot) and going to a wine tasting at the Duchman Family Winery (it was a lot of wine). This fabulous winery in located in Driftwood... Spicewood Springs. Somewhere close to Wimberly. 



Cheers! 



After eating two (three??) baskets of free crackers at the tasting, we decided our tummy's needed a little more sustenance and headed to the Mandola's next door for some delicious pizza- cheese-prosciutto-olives-bread-oil-Italian yumminess.  
Ladies sitting on the fountain. Fun fact: Holly, Carmen and I all have birthdays within 2 1/2 weeks of each other.


Footloose came to the Zilker Hillside in July, and so did we, large blanket and picnic basket in hand. Being the picnic n00bs that we are, Carmen, Adam, Tanya & I packed a bottle of wine, some teddy grahams and a box of mike and ikes.... a combination strangely reminiscent of what I took with me when I tried to run away from home at five (minus the wine of course). Oh, and we didn't eat dinner before hand. Very smart when you are sitting outside for three + hours on a typical hundred degree Austin summer evening. Thankfully, Melanie brought a boxed red and white wine (duh, no glass bottles at the park!), some fancy cheese and crackers, an assortment of Godiva chocolates, two bags of gluten free chips, and a container of grapes.  I love the two girls photo bombing in the back in contrast with the father/son duo trying so hard NOT to photo bomb in the front.




After the show, this stunning southern belle let us snap a picture with her! Meg, that wig is strangely reminiscent of the young Evita monstrosity of your high school days...
 
 Moving along: Adam drank wine out a shoe and then installed our ceiling fan. Well, perhaps not in that order (if this was a highlights magazine, you could circle his curly head in the right hand photo).  Please note the demolished Justin Beiber pinata on the broken futon, it speaks of good times gone by.


The end of July also marked our 1 year anniversary in the apartment. We started to get all spring cleany (except in the summer time) and that led to a huge closet purge, which in turn led to selling a good lot of our furniture (remember the broken futon?) on Craigslist... which of course then led to buying a heck of a lot of new stuff for our apartment, including a dryer, some curtains, and a matching couch and love seat. Being an adult is v. exciting.

Well this doesn't quite look right, does it? So, let's just say we had a little couch buying mishap... let's just also say never buy anything from a furniture store that rhymes with Blooms to Grow... and Craigslist is awesome. Anyway, somehow the stars aligned one evening and we found ourselves with three love seats (one not pictured because Tanya is standing on it to take this picture) and two full size couches. Not girls to let an opportunity like this pass us by, we staged a moving photo jumping from couch to couch, and when that wasn't enough, we took a video. Here is that video:

Epic, no?
Oh, and don't forget Nigel's still cute.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

2011, Part 2

In February, we hosted a 'Creepy Valentine's Party'. It has been a longstanding (3 year) tradition to watch scary movies on Valentine's Day, so we decided to take it to the next level by making creepy valentine's... yes, that does say "Your liver is beautiful." This party was inspired in particular by the 2011  horror flick, The Roommate, in which a psychopathic Leighton Meester pierces her own ears, puts a kitten in the dryer, and becomes obsessed with, you guessed it, her roommate. Classic tale. Saw it happen time and again as an RA. 
The Christmas caroling kitties made an appearance as a center piece for the event... not sure what to say about the pack of gum leaning up against the middle one.
                           
For Explore UT, our department mixed up about 500 pounds of cornstarch with a enough water to fill an 8 x 4 wooden box with Non-Newtonian fluid, a substance that acts like both a liquid and solid such that you can run across it, but if you stand for more than few seconds, you sink. Translation: hours and hours and hours of fun. I wish I had gotten a better picture of this-- this was the little girl who wound up in the Statesman, and she was so dang cute.


 In April, Deborah and I spent four days traipsing around New York, seeing the sights, spotting the celebrities, and just generally painting the town red.
I met my longtime love (and namesake of the beta fish I had all through college), yes, YES, that is Norbert Leo Butz. Oh, you haven't heard of him? He was Fiyero in Wicked? Jamie in the Last Five Years? The brother in Dan in Real Life???

Anyway, Deborah and I saw him in the new musical 'Catch Me If you Can', which was fantastic, and then he obligingly let me snap a picture with him at the stage door after. And when I say obligingly, I mean he all but rolled his eyes and then made that lovely half smile/grimace. 
Debs and I also waited for three hours in line to get front row tickets to see tiny little Daniel Radcliffe in 'How to Succeed in Business Without Trying'. This is me, about two hours in, sitting next to a banana peel. Worth.it. The show was so much fun, and we were close enough to see Daniel spit into the audience each time he said his t's!  Other highlights of the trip included attending a taping of the Wendy Williams Show (also in the front row!), shopping on 5th Avenue, and lots of yummy food.
 On our last day in New York, he pried ourselves out of the tiny, dirty, quite possibly unstable bunk beds in the hostel where we stayed and walked up to Central Park to drink our coffee and soak up our final few hours in the city.


Showing our respect at the Met.


I think that every trip has some kind of hiccup-- there are just too many variables when you travel that the universe feels obliged to mess with you. This is where our hiccup began-- the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I had allotted three and a half hours after leaving the museum to run back to the hostel, grab our luggage, get to the subway, and be on our way. When we left the Met, it was pouring-- and I do mean pouring. There were people everywhere, and we got turned around   trying to find our way to the subway, which had not happened once in the four days we had been there. Deborah suggested that we hail a cab... which was unfortunately also everyone else's plan. We finally got someone to stop, and low and behold, it was the one cab driver in New York City who didn't know his way around. After getting stuck in traffic for a good fifteen minutes heading in the opposite direction of where we wanted to go, we asked the driver to just let us out. We made a run for it-- all the way to hostel, up four flights of stairs, down four flights of stairs (luggage now in tow), and then on to the subway. Still in a dead sprint, Deborah sailed through the turnstile at the subway station, rolley suitcase in hand, and got stuck. Like, really stuck. I threw all my luggage on the floor (I still have this very clear image in my head of the apples my mom gave us before the trip rolling across the ground towards a large map of the subway system), and we both tried to pry the suitcase out of the metal clutches of the electronic contraption. Some kind New Yorker eventually walked by and easily popped the suitcase out, without a word to Deborah or I.

Approaching full panic mode, we asked a man waiting on the platform the best way to get to the airport, since we weren't sure if the way we had come from the airport would be the fastest for our return. The man explained to us we needed go to Queens. Huh? We headed downstairs, just as a train was departing the station. A woman spotted our baggage (and our distressed faces) and asked us if we needed to know how to get to the airport. We told her yes, we needed to get to JFK. She said, "oh, your train just left". Well, of course it did. We waited in agony another ten or fifteen minutes for the train to come again, and once on, another kind New Yorker asked us if we knew how to get to the airport. In all honesty, I can't remember if these people offered to help or if we just asked loudly, in the direction of anyone of who would listen. She told us that we would need to switch trains, and she would tell us when to get off. And then fell asleep. That is, until I frantically shook her awake three stops before we needed to get off. Not my finest moment. However, at this point, we still had hope that we would make our flight-- it would be a stretch, but we would make it. Forty five minutes later, standing on the platform and waiting for our connecting train to come, we weren't so sure. Twenty five minutes after that, when we finally arrived at JFK, exhausted and starving (we hadn't eaten since breakfast in Central Park, our lunch plans dangling somewhere between that wayward cab ride and the subway station), a cranky clerk at the ticketing counter confirmed our fears: no, we were not going to make our flight. She had one flight, leaving out of La Guardia in a few hours. We paid her the $150 change fee and went to go get (another) taxi to the airport across town. I almost got us sold into prostitution by taking up some man on his shady offer to skip the taxi line and go in his cab company's private car (not kidding)-- thankfully Deborah told him no after I told him yes, and we got a safe ride to the airport. As we were eating our dinner, Deborah nudged me in the ribs and said "Heather, look it's Hanson! Hanson, Heather!" I looked up and saw them.  MMMbop, men of my ten year old dreams, long blonde hair, HANSON, who just happened to be on our flight, sitting one row ahead of us.
Oh, you know, just eavesdropping on Hanson.

Passengers on this flight also included my Creative Writing professor from college and his wife. Universe, you definitely have a sense of humor.


Obligatory Nigel pic.