realizing that being busy does not equate being happy, fulfilled, or worthwhile.
I want a colorful, happy, fast paced life filled with all the goodness twenty four hours has to offer me, and then some. If I could have my way, I would have five different jobs for each day of the work week, and then a different hobby for each day of the weekend. And then I would request that there be 48 hours in my day instead of 24 so I that could try new things.
Fortunately, if I got my way, I would end up even more exhausted, stressed, and cranky than I am now. Wanting what's not good for you... that's a thing, right?
A few weeks ago, I found a book at my parent's house called The Too-Busy Book, by Linda Andersen. I usually have to be goaded into reading anything non fiction, but at this point, I was desperate. For what felt like the tenth time in the past year I had gotten myself in over my head with my schedule, overcommitting myself to things and to people's expectations of me. At this point, I stop serving out of love, and switch into robotic people pleasing mode. My shoulders ache from keeping them up by my ears all the time, to the point where sleeping becomes difficult because I can't get comfortable... and once I do fall asleep, I dream about the things I am trying to take a break from, going through whole days at work concocted by my sub conscious.
The introduction to Andersen's book, titled "An Invitation to Live Lightly" states very clearly: "The truth is, we don't have to be busy... you have chosen what to do with your time, and you can still choose" Wait... what? I did? I can? I mean... I guess? I guess I could not have a job, or friends. I guess I could not do the things I want to do (see how bad my attitude was here, yikes!), I guess I could do the bare minimum and be selfish and think only about myself.
Mmm mmmm. Yep, my perspective on busyness definitely needed a tune up! She goes on to say "I look around and see women laboring beyond reason and rationality. I see them straining to the brink of exhaustion ... but they are too busy to ask themselves 'why am I living at this pace?' Sermons on God the Provider are pushed neatly to the side, and these women proceed to work even more hours next week, often to 'catch up'."
Oh. Well Linda, when you put it like that. God the Provider? Yeah, I remember him. There is more than one pace to life? Yeah, I think I have heard something about that too.
So maybe I can still have a happy, colorful, fast paced, 24 hour/day life with boundaries? Maybe everything doesn't have to be done right away, maybe I can say no now, but plan for a yes later?
Perhaps my favorite sentence in this book (so far) comes at the end of the introduction when the author is telling you how to read the book. She says, "take your time. Relax. Slow down. No one cares how quickly you finish this book." I nearly burst out laughing-- reading is one of my favorite things to do. It is relaxing for me, and renewing. But I even put an expectation on myself for reading-- I am always racing to the end, telling myself I need to finish this book and get on to the next... and somehow I never realized before what a perverted and detrimental thing this was! That I was minimizing the joy I would get from reading by turning it into something I had to do to check it off my list.
So: Slowing down. Taking a breath. Enjoying life. Trusting God. Not defining myself by what I have to do. I'm working on it.
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